The Kingdom of Cole

I’ve never been near the kingdom

(This story poem is an excerpt from my novelette "Somebody Done Hacked My Nursery Rhymes" which is due for publication in 2023.)

The Kingdom of Cole?

It lies in the Hinter Mist far beyond Brierstone Bend.

Near the edge of the Sanguine river where the Chandler forest begins.

Best to take Friar’s trail through the forest until you reach Thaxton Fallows. Then look to the south you’ll see the Kingdom of Cole, rising from The Shallows.

Me? No. I’ve never been near the kingdom. I hear it’s filled with all sorts of vice and sin.

And that anyone who enters it’s wrought iron gates are not ever seen or heard from again.

I hear too, that the royals rule the kingdom in a casual way. Indulgence, revelry and moral decline are said to reign as order of the day.

The folks who rule the kingdom? There is a father, a step-mother, a daughter and a son. From what I hear, though noble of birth, they’re ignoble in habits, and predicted to bring the kingdom to ruin.

Town talk has it that:

Old King Cole is a merry ole soul

And a merry, merry ole soul is he

He fills his corncob pipe with homemade crack

and his pockets with condone.

He lets his royal subjects smoke high grade weed

Which they grow in the royal garden.

And when the palace guards arrest him for drug abuse

He gives himself a royal pardon.

The Queen of Cole is a very merry sole

As a trophy wife of the kingdom should be.

She spends her time sipping strawberry wine

And baking hashish cookies for high tea.

The servants all adore her, they think she is sublime

She serves them lobster and steak

And sends them to their rooms with decanter filled with wine

And dozens of those hashish cookies that she bakes.

The Princess of Cole is a very merry sole

As a young princess of the kingdom should be

Her sleepover parties are said to be the best in the kingdom

And her guests do all agree

They are truly impressed with the cookies that she serves them

Along with the several gallons of ‘shroom tea.


The Prince of Cole is a very merry sole

As a young prince of a kingdom should be

He can most often be found with the palace cook

brewing up batches of methamphetamine

to sell at the palace gates.

Well, that’s it. I have told you all that I know about the Kingdom of Cole and it’s errant inhabitants.

It seems they are wont to destroy themselves and every one else with their bent toward immoral extravagance.

But you say that you want to continue your journey? Well, I’ll pray guidance for your soul. We’ll not meet again you know, ‘cause as I told you-no one ever returns from the behind the wrought iron gates of the infamous Kingdom of Cole.